Why I’ll never answer my door again

That loathesome asshole that I unfortunately share a building with came to my door last night.

Shave-and-a-haircut knock. When I see through the peep-hole that it’s him, my brain processes, “hollar out and say, ‘look, if you aren’t here to pay your dues, gtfo.’” But, I’m kind of a moron.

I open the door and just look at him.

He says, “I’d really appreciate if you would stop taking the tape off the mailbox down there.” Quick history: the mailbox for unit 3 doesn’t have a lock and so the door just swings wide open, hitting the front door when you enter. (small entryway) To solve this, genius uses an old piece of duct tape that is no longer doing its job. Just about every day the tape peels away and the doors swings open. To combat the aging tape, he simply places another piece over the top of it. Like that is somehow going to magically make the bottom piece effective again. Anyway…

After 5 or so seconds of me staring blankly at him, mouth slightly agape, not quite sure I actually heard him tell ME to stop taking the tape off. Deliberately. I say, “I don’t take the tape off.” Ooh, good one. You got him by the balls now, man. That was a tough one, how will he recover?

“Well, it’s coming off and the door is hitting against the front door and scratching it. That will cost the Association money. The tape is being removed, so someone is doing it.” Or, it could be the oldass duct tape that isn’t working anymore. But nooooo… everyone’s out to get this guy. I swear he just sits around all day and dreams up shit he can accuse me of.

“I don’t touch the tape. I have no reason to.”

“Well, it’s just convenient that the tape always seems to come off when your car appears outside.” Good reasoning, dipshit. I live there. My car is always there.  And, um, did you just admit to me that you’re paying attention to when I come and go? I do not like that.

My reaction was to raise my eyebrows as if he might have sprouted a second head, back away slowly and close the door in his face. I’ve never encountered a 70 year old child before. It’s a different experience.

First of all, this is possibly the most ridiculous thing that’s ever happened to me, and that includes all the times I’ve locked myself out of homes and cars, and the one time I dumped a gallon of mocha on my face. Second, half the time that I come home and notice that the tape gave out, I put it back into place. The other half, Jeremy tapes it back up. Well, I’ll make sure not to touch it ever again. Your tape is your problem.

So, look here, buddy, shut your friggin’ mouth, and don’t ever speak another word to me again that doesn’t include the string, “I’m here to pay my dues” or “You’ll never have to see me again. Ever.”

I can dream.